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aber daw Joke 101 ngona kita

Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?
Mister:
Guni-guni!

***
Guro:        Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan:         Di ko po kilala.
Guro:        Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe:        Di ko rin po kilala..
Guro:        Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro:       Ma’m, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. … I LOVE YOU!
Wife:      Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!


***
B
aliw (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello… may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator:  Wala po, bakit?
Baliw:
Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!
 

***
Misis:
  Lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto.
Timing (dumaan ang mister nya….)
Misis:
 Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister:
Yoko sayo…kamukha mo misis ko!

***
American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American:        Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro:             Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimmingPaul.



***
Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA –  pampapula ng dugo
KALABASA –  pampalinaw ng mata
TALONG –  pampatirik ng mata
MANI –  pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

 
***
Quote for the Day…
Ang Buhay ay parang bato…it’s Hard.

 
***
Prospective Employer to Applicant: ‘So why did you leave your previous job?’
Applicant: ‘ The company relocated and they did not tell me where!’


***
Juan:          Birthday ng asawa ko…
Pedro:        Ano regalo mo?
Juan:          Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro:        Ano naman sinabi?
Juan:          Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro:        Ano binigay mo?
Juan:          Baraha.

***
TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?
SAGOT:   ‘Uhm, excuse me, miss…Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?’

***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

***
Nanay:        Ano ‘tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak :        Hindi po ‘yan zero, ‘Nay.. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang ‘yan, ‘Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo….kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.    

***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang …
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

***
Husband:

***
Pedro:        Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Ambo:        Pare, Mga chismax lang ‘yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila…. chura nila! hmpf!

***
Boy:        Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl:        Bakit?!
Boy:        Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl:        Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy:        Yun nga eh…gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

***
Juan:          San ka galing?
Pedro:        Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan:          E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro:        Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!

***
Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo….dito lang ako… dito lang talaga ako…tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

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